Polly wants a cracker?

I feel like a parrot, sitting up pretty and smiling for the media at this dumb conference that Stella organised for the band. Is her brain stirred and fried already?

I know she is our assistant tour manager and really new to her job at that, so I should not yell at her more than twice a day I guess. But still, organising a full band media spectacle now?? My make-up has run down my cheeks so many times I think that I fill a new tube with it. But does Stella listen to reason? No!

Yes, I feel like a parrot, repeating after Stella that the band is important, that the band needs  a good interview and good reviews. We want to keep playing in the big league and I do want to participate for 100% in that but really, now??

Haven’t spoken to Ramon yet. It’s weird, not to text him or talk to him so much. We’re already falling apart and the divource is not even finalized yet!

Tommy is being a little bit of a brat, first I thought it was sweet but now he’s pushing the enveloppe a little too far. He actually tried to shove Walter out of my apartment. His problem seems to be that Walter is the cause for mommy and daddy to break up.

I tried to explain that it had nothing to do with that, but Tommy wouldn’t listen and instead started pushing me away as well.  I sentenced him to a few hours in his room, alone and told our new nanny Bridget to watch him carefully. I hope this media circus ends soon, so I can be with my children again! What  mess.

Tired and sad

I had my PA run to the Court House and draft up the paperwork for the divource after spending two hours on the phone with Ramon. He was sad, we were both crying but we part as friends who have a great loving family. The children are important, we both see that they need us both. But we no longer belong together and that hurts so much.

Tommy, my eldest and bravest, his little arm has a small tattoo and he likes to act like the big man now. He came in to lie next to me on the bed and put his little hand in mine. He told me that I could be sad, that he was sad and then we fell asleep. It was so simple, he is so much a little man already. I can hardly believe he was once my baby and now my big boy.

I just want to be alone, no jam sessions, no recordings and especially no video shoots! Just let me curl up and cry, for I have lost that which made me whole for these past seven years. I know, I made the decision, I called Ramon, I sent the paperwork. I did it. But I do not have to like it. Indeed, I hate it.

Too fast?

Am I just moving too fast now? I’m trying to keep up,  but somehow all I want to do is hide under my blankets and cry. I miss Ramon, my partner and friend and yet I know that he cannot fulfill that role anymore. I am so glad that my little ones are here with me. Though one of them thought to hide a little surprise from me.

Apparently, Tommy took his new freedom to heart and had himself tattooed! I can’t tell him off, I just asked him where he went and we went back together, I spoke to the shop owner and assured myself of clean needles and good ink. It was a scary talk, but I tried to stay calm. Right now, I just want to be angry at one man in my life, not two.

I am still getting used to the timezones here, also trying not to drink too much right now. I make stupid decisions when I’m drinking and my children need me right now. I know they are safe in my apartment, especially now that I got a bigger one in a better neighbourhood. No tattoo parlors around here! *chuckles*
Oh well, he does take after his adventurous parents and a bit of stupidity he got from…well me probably.

I’m just going to take some rest now, I put Sem and Freja to bed and gave Tommy some toys to play with. He’s calm now too, I think he’s happier now that he’s with his family again. I really need to watch these three, or they’ll get hurt alot more. Changes are coming and all I can do is stand up, head up and shoulders broad for little tears to fall on.

I just wished I did not run out of Rome so suddenly without properly talking to Ramon.  Aside from feeling guilty about falling for another man, now I still feel like I’m cheating as I have not spoken to my husband yet. I called him and left a voicemail that he missed two dinner dates and I had not stuck around to wait for a third miss. Maybe he missed the dates because he knows already?  I just want to hide under my blankets and cry. This is not how I imagined the new year to start…

Pissed off.

The second time in 24 hours that I got stood up on a date. This time Ramon was recording for the band’s new album. I had half a mind to text him about my plans for divource but I’ve decided that was a little too emotional after 6 years of marriage. Instead, I did the sane thing and booked a private jet out of Rome to New York. I’m not going to miss another band activity with UDDS over this. *grumbles*

That went well…

Not.

Ramon never replied to my text to meet later in the evening and as I sat in that restaurant thinking about how to put the words together, I finally got a text saying he had a fan meeting with the band. He called me late last night, I think it might have been 4 to see if I was up for a nice long lunch today. I had hardly slept and agreed, wondering where he slept this night. I have not spoken to Ramon yet, but maybe he already knows something? Maybe I’m just too tired to think properly.

Bah! My PA just told me that she booked a flight to New York this evening, the show must go on and we have jam sessions and recordings to do. I will already miss one session this afternoon, as the band is already there.

Also, have been thinking about the future, time moves slower at night so you have more time to think when you lay pondering. I think I’m moving out of Amsterdam, aside from all the recent political events that hurt friends of mine and the city too, I think being there will only remind me of what I’m leaving behind. Maybe it’s time to turn over a leaf there as well. I have thought about New York. It’s fitting somehow, to go to New Amsterdam for my new life.

Now what?

I’m in Rome. Not alone, the children are here except for Tommy who is staying in the nursery in New York. Ramon arrived just now, he sent me a text message that he’s in town and I want to share a pasta with him. Why do I feel guilty now about what happened? It’s not the first time I sleep with a good friend or lover. Ramon and I have never made a problem of that. But we never spoke of it, it was like the fun you have when you’re far apart. Yet, this nighgt was different and I feel guilty about that.  I’m not sure that I want to have dinner with my husband, because I’m not sure that’s when I want to talk to him. And I can’t not see him as he knows I’m in the city. I feel odd somehow, like the butterflies have left my stomach.

It’s not Ramon’s fault,  not even Walter’s.  Walter and I had an amazing time last night and the passion was wonderful, almost new and unknown to me.  He was sweet and strong, all that I needed and more. We had an ice cream breakfast with Sem and Freja this morning and then I went to check on my club. However, I came back and there was a note and a lovely diamond bracelet where Walter had been in my apartment. He’d taken a jet and gone off to New York, work was calling. Oh and a final note that it had been great and even more, but that if we were to continue on this way, I should talk to my husband.

Walter’s gone now and somehow, Ramon has taken his place. Well, I’m not sure he has. I’ll go and see him now, my PA can watch the little ones. They need some sleep as I think I’m going to New York myself soon and I’m taking them along.  Where are those butterflies that made me happy, why are they eaten by this queesy feeling that has taken it’s place.

The kids are alright

Ok, that was the scarriest half hour of my life…I got a phone call from a nursery in Montreal that someone unkwown to them had brought my boy Tommy to them. He was alright and asleep now as it was nighttime over there. They called because they were worried about a 5-year old being alone in such a big city. I can’t believe it, Lise is fired!! She is his nanny and supposed to watch over him. I’m so glad I got Sem and Freja here with me now, I’m on half a mind to take the first jet to Montreal and pick up my boy.

However, I made a few more calls and found out that Lise had lost Tommy when she’d gone to the bathroom in the Mac Burger and he’d run off to watch some guy with balloons. Instead of just watching my boy, she’d gone away from him long enough for him to get bored and leave the restaurant. She’s so fired!! Luckily, Krisje Timmers knows my boy and brought him to the nursery. It’s still too incredible for words when I think about it. She sent me a text just now to ask how my boy was doing. Well, he’s Ok now and I’m glad for that. But this is really putting me off putting my trust in nannies and from now on, the kids stay with me.

Butterflies

I never knew this could still happen after such a long time, I think I’m falling in love. I feel weird, soft and warm all at once. Waking up next to him this morning was so nice, the smell of his hair, the skin that glistened from a bit of sweat. I feel so happy! Not sure where this is going or what I’m going to tell Ramon, but somehow that all doesn’t matter right now…

We’ll figure it all out later I guess, right now I just enjoy these butterflies that are playing in my belly!

Turning over a new leaf?

I dare say time flies when you’re having fun and not being careful where it all goes. I feel like my life has flown by these past few years, with my family growing steadily and my heart fluttering up less each day. It feels normal again, to be with the family, to be with the children and Ramon. It’s not exciting, nor is it bringing me the joy it once did. But maybe that’s normal after six years of marriage. We have 3 beautiful children and we’ve been together over seven years already. Is this the 7 year itch? Do I want to make this work or am I already saying goodbye?

Turning over a new leaf, means making a big change. One that I’m not sure I’m ready for just yet, one that involves opening my heart up. Why do I think like this? Why do I think of him instead of my husband. Why do I enjoy my time with him and my phonecalls to him. Why do I suddenly feel guilty when I wake up in his arms, like we have done before. It’s different now somehow. I think the butterflies are here and they are waking me up from a long dream. A dream full of love and comfort but in the end a dream without passion.

A new passion, a new dream to enter. Maybe it’s just the butterflies and they’ll just go away. But not just yet, cuz I do kinda like this feeling.

Exciting Changes ahead

I ran into an old friend and our record company manager here in Barcelona. We decided to share a cup of coffee as I invited him to watch the show of Flight of the Orchids. I told him about our plans to split up after Teepee III and an interesting discussion lead to some big changes up ahead.

Somehow I said Yes with a great big smile plastered over my face to joining heavy metal formation Ukelele Death Doom Society!! :d

Walter, The Best Lay in Town convinced me to a change that I think was long overdue. I love Blues music, our audience and the clubs we visit. I even opened 2 blues clubs myself to support the music. But there is more to consider now, Tara is changing her ambition and I can’t help but feel that I need to as well. I could always stick around, find a new band but why when there is so much to do and to find out still! I have been pondering over my next step and now I’m sure I found it. Let’s just hope I can fit in. Good thing I still have some time ahead to study the finer art of heavy metal.

The little one seemed not to mind, I got a few kicks in my back as I was discussing these plans. A little heavy metal baby to accompany my blues boy perhaps? Just 2 more months and then we’ll know. The new band I will join next year, first Teepee III and also I will need to study a new instrument. Lianne,, got time to teach me bass guitar? In short, exciting changes up ahead!